In the tapestry of life, we continuously absorb information, make judgments, and react—sometimes, our reactions are subtle, like a smile in response to a cherished memory. While judgment is innate to the human experience, there are moments, especially when someone confides in us, where it can backfire. Chances are, when someone is reaching out to us in a state of distress, they are well aware that things are not okay. What they truly need is someone who can understand their feelings, offer support, and create a sense of safety in the present moment. So, whether you find yourself listening to a friend, family member, or even your own thoughts, the ability to do so without passing judgment is an important skill to build.

1. Ensure the Right Headspace:

Before lending an ear, check in with yourself. Are you in the right mental space to listen effectively? Burnout or preoccupation with other issues can hinder genuine understanding. In this state we are likely to either respond too quickly, or too harshly, not doing much good. 

You can ask yourself, "Do I feel ready for this right now?" 

2. Set Goals and Objectives:

Define what you want to achieve from the conversation. Shifting focus from your reactions to the person you're talking to fosters a more empathetic exchange.

3. Practice Active Listening:

Demonstrate engagement by facing the person, maintaining eye contact, and using affirming statements or minimal encouragers such as "I see," "uh-huh," "tell me more," or "I hear you." Your body langauge, like nodding your head and leaning towards the person also sho the person you are following them. Avoid interruptions, except for minimal encouragers, allowing them to express themselves fully.

(Note: Cultural considerations nuances; if in doubt, feel free to ask.)

4. Reflect on Major Points:

Turn automatic reactions into active responses by reflecting on what the other person shared. Reflection of meaning entails repeating key points back to them, using phrases like "As I understand, you feel..." If you are not very confident in a reflection, you can use silence to either encourage them to continue speaking or process what they have shared. It might feel a little awkward at first to sit in silence, but the sense will quickly pass. You can also offer a statement, such as, "Mhm thanks for sharing this with me. Let me unpack that for a moment."

A good way to reflect understanding is to summarize their major points through paraphrasing. Phrases such as, "As I understand, you feel...." You can also use validating statements like, "That sounds really difficult" or "I see how you were frustrated by...."

5. Final Check Before Speaking:

Before responding, mentally ask: Is what I want to say what they need to hear? Will my words foster openness or push them away? Am I being kind right now? If the answer is yes to all, you're practicing non-judgmental listening.

These steps also apply when reflecting and listening to oneself. In a state of calm, listen without interruption, validate your thoughts, and be kind to yourself. In fact, now that you know the steps of non-judgemental listening, perhaps the best place to start is to practice with yourself.